A Churning Mind

I have got to admit it, I am not in a good place this week. Tired, in a funk, dreading the daily trek to the cubicle, my mind is churning with possibilities, but my body and soul are exhausted. I wan to be gone~ floating down the Nile, drinking an ice cold Corona on the beaches of Mexico, slurping street noodles in Asia. I want to be anywhere else.

Our Indian influence

Our Indian influence

There are, of course, the usual suspects; the long, dark, very cold nights is for one. With the holidays fast approaching I am ambivalent, feeling neither excited nor ready to celebrate. I feel chronically tired, as though I am never getting enough sleep, even as I truly spent all of Sunday in couch potato fashion. I am, quite simply, in a rut.

Our schedule over the past few months has been hectic, to be sure. Coupled with our long work/commute days, every single weekend has been packed full since, in a shocking glance at the calendar, the first weekend of August. This pace is enough to require a mental and physical break from it all, but I know it’s more. I am rapidly reaching the same point I was at in 2007, so fed up with my job that I am barely able to drag myself in each day. Gloomily viewing the stacks of work in front of me with mere disinterest. Complaining about never having enough time, and yet having to force myself to sit down and write this blog when there is time.

Ko SamuiNovember is traditionally the season of gratitude. In an attempt to not further feed the dark recesses of my mind, already in funk, I have been avoiding facing these feelings. I have been driving forward full force towards a goal, while getting nowhere because of procrastination. I have been making, or at the very least, participating in plans, when I know that what I truly want is to simply run away with Jim and the black dogs in the camper with no set plans.

DSCN0203All that changes next week. In spite of my best intentions, we do have plans for this weekend. Sometimes in life you do need to simply suck it up and put on your big girl pants. When invited to the beach for the weekend with Jim’s sister Wendy, her husband Ken, and their own fur babies, to celebrate Ken’s birthday how could we say no? Best friends sometimes just go with the flow because, well, that is what best friends do. Sleeping in, long walks on the beach, and the joy of friendship will surely cause me to come away more refreshed.

DSCN0288_080A short week and long weekend camping for the Thanksgiving holiday will be the final salve to soothe my weary soul. I know we are on the right path. I know we are heading to the right road to the life of our dreams. I know it is taking way to damn long to get there and yet, life is all about the journey, not the destination. I am well aware, having chosen the nomadic path before, that there are no easy answers, and no perfect life. While here, I am chomping at the bit, struggling with the day-to-day before the next big goodbye. But I am fully cognizant of the fact that, when back on the road, these are the moments I’ll miss. The comforts of home are many, the relationships with friends and family real and precious.

DSCN0114I am excited for the future. Excited to continue to push towards the dream. Excited to live a Life on Fire, as my friend Kim writes in her book of the same title. Excited to see what the new year ahead brings. But, today, I am also excited to have broken out of my funk to acknowledge that life is pretty darn sweet. And to face each day with gratitude, I simply need to focus my time on those things I will miss somewhere further down the road.

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12 thoughts on “A Churning Mind

  1. I’m sorry you are so sad in your current life. Hoping this weekend will refresh you.

  2. Have a great mini-break. We are going through the exact same thing, seems to be part of the process. This is our first time though, it might be a bit tougher subsequently having experienced the freedom already. Keep plugging along, you’ll be setting off in no time. Hopefully we’ll get to reflect in person since our schedules seem to be fairly close. We’re heading North to experience Alaska before turning around to go all the way South, probably be dropping into Baja around Oct/Nov next year. Glass raised to meeting on the road.

    • Thanks John & Mandi… yes, yes.. we know we are certainly not alone in our feelings of itchy feet. I’m actually already feeling a bit refreshed merely from having put my feelings into print. Certainly hoping we meet up one of these days… either as you come through Portland (if we’re still here) or on the way south. Hang in there yourselves, it truly is part of the process.

  3. I think knowing that there is a light at the end of tunnel, but that it is such a long way away makes it worse. I had a countdown clock on my work computer. For a year before we left. 🙂

    • A whole year?? Oh boy… that is a tough one. Thanks Emma… can’t wait to see some pictures and posts from the sunny shores of Mexico!

  4. Oh man, don’t I know that burnout feeling! And I also understand that getting to that life of your dreams takes too damn long! I feel that way with my writing sometimes. Why aren’t I there yet? But then again, where is there? Lets keep walking, Rhonda (I know we both will)… no one promised us that the road would be short or easy to navigate only that if we keep walking we will get where we need to go. XO.

    • Thanks, as always, Kim. I feel remarkably better simply putting the funky feelings out there and acknowledging that the path to the life we want isn’t always all sunshine and roses. I know you get exactly what we’re feeling… something no one here at home does, and it’s a comfort to be surrounded by others with a Death in a Foreign Land line 🙂 Write well my friend…. I have a feeling Mexico will soothe the weary soul, whether it answers all the questions or not. XOXO

  5. I think your words resonate with many of us with twitch travel feet. We sold our B&B in March, but stayed on to manage it for the new owners for 6 months. Hubby told me the months flew by. I could argue the point – and did – many times. That proverbial dangling carrot can take it’s toll. But I always try to console myself by thinking it all happens when it is supposed to.

    • Wise words, Patti… it does, indeed, all happen when it’s supposed to. lol.. sometimes easier saying than believing, of course!! 🙂

  6. Oh, Rhonda! You know I am right there with you on this one, and I hope that knowing you are not alone in your feelings of frustration, restlessness, and utter exhaustion is something of a boon as well. Although I always enjoy the novelty of “falling back” and gaining an extra hour during Daylight’s Saving, but now that it seems we’re walking around in perpetual darkness, I too have just felt like my body, mind and spirits are going into hibernation mode.

    I know that sometimes it seems like the road to our dreams is too long, that we might never get there, but it’s so important to not give up and to keep pushing. We try our best to enjoy the journey so that we don’t look back and think “Well, we made our dreams come true, but we were miserable doing it!” but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t periods of time that just feel like we’re treading water (or, worse, slowly sinking in quicksand). Just remember, every day we don’t give up, it brings us a little bit closer to living the life we were meant to live. It might be a long & winding road to get there, but I know you will get there!

    • Yes, Steph, knowing I am not alone on this, occasionally challenging path, is always a help. Like you, we really try to focus on the fact that life is all about the journey, not the destination. Knowing that the occasional bouts of falling into a funk, is truly all part of that process, just makes that life we strive for all the sweeter. Hang in there friends and keep on walking!

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